i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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