Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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