I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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