Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
