wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
