Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Couch. On fire.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
