Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
