she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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