Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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