Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
