If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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