I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
