My cat gives me a boner
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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