at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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