I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
