and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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