i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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