you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
