In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
