I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
