then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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