I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
