Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
