I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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