I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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