this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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