I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
