when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
