Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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