is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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