He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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