I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
