I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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