OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
