If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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