The brown eye won't let me do that either.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
