You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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