wanna go halves on a baby?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
