Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
