I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I need moral support for this bender
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
