the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
