i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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