census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
