So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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