At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
