I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
