You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
