20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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