Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
