I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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