I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
