Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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