We're like a lot better than the average bears
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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