I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
