Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
this is an emotional support booty call
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
