Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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