I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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