I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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