Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
this hospital has no fireball
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
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